Time to Live
by Leonaria Dragonbane
Summary: I haven't done one of these in a while ROGAN!  Yes I can write something other than Victor Creed, although my favorite feral will definitely make an appearance.  Expect Rogue angst and Logan growliness.
1. Chapter 1

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 1

Rogue watched as the new students filled the entrance of the school. So many this year, and Logan was staying to help. She put another shirt in the old green duffle bag. He was staying, but he needed to go, needed to escape from this place, to find some peace.

He hadn't spoken to her since he got back, he'd taken one look at her holding Bobby's hand and grunted and spun on his heel and walked away. She wanted to stop him, but something in his eyes told her it would be dangerous.

She added another pair of jeans, and was trying to decide if she wanted to pack the long winter dresses or not. She picked up one and started folding it when her door swung open.

"You runnin again?" He leaned on the door jam, the first words out of his mouth a twisted mockery of the words she'd said to him.

"No. Ah got accepted at NYU, Ah start classes tomorrow, Ah've put it off long enough." She brushed her hair back with a bare hand, still afraid of even a casual touch, even though she knew that the Cure made it possible.

"You could take your classes here." He said, pushing off the door jam with his shoulder, fingers hitched just inside the tight pockets of his jeans. His boot heel caught the door and she watched, not sure what to feel as it swung closed.

"Ah'm a freshman, tha school requires freshmen ta live on campus in housing." She looked down at the dress she was folding. She could smell it now, whiskey and a lot of it, and something else, even stronger. She knew his body could handle it, but if he was resorting to some kind of drugs to escape from Jean's death, it had to be bad.

His finger traced down her wrinkled nose. "It's absinthe." He whispered, leaning in close to her. It smelled bitter, just like the look in his eyes when she met them. "I can't protect you if you're in New York." His breath was hot on her ear as he whispered the words, making her tremble.

"Ah don't need ya ta protect me anymore. Ah'm just human again, and Ah can take care of mahself thanks ta tranin' here." She stuffed the dress in the bag and reached to pick up the other one but he caught her hand in his, putting her fingertips over where his blades rested just under the skin.

"You'll always need me ta protect you." His lips were brushing her ear now as she felt the raw power under her fingertips, poised to strike, but held in check by his desire not to hurt her. At least she had to think that was what it was. She looked over his shoulder, trying to keep her body still, feeling like an animal in a trap with a predator stalking closer and unable to escape.

"Ya smell like fear, Marie...what are ya afraid of, not me I hope." His whisper was more a growl, as he moved his other arm around her waist, pulling her against his body, the one her fingers rested on capturing her hand and putting it over his heart.

"No, Ah ain't afraid of you. Ah'm afraid for you." She finally looked at him, and she didn't hide the pain at his reaction. He'd seen it, the pity she felt. She was surprised at his anger, his nose flaring as the hand pressing hers against him moved faster than she'd expected, grabbing the hair at the back of her head, tilting it as his mouth landed on hers demandingly. She moaned, wanting this more than anything, but not like this.

"I need you, Rogue." He whispered, his lips trembling.

"No, you need a warm body ta try ta forget." She whispered against his lips. "Ya need ta go, get back on the road, forget in whatever warm willin' body you can find and someday realize that it ain't tha end of tha world."

"Then I'll start with you." His eyes grew hard and his mouth demanding. She moaned again, her body responding even if her mind knew it was wrong. She tried one more time.

"Logan, please, you don't want ta do this." She whimpered as his grip on her hair tightened and her body overcame her mind's objections. She kissed him back, her fingers working quickly to unbutton his shirt, slipping her hands under the fabric, feeling the coarse hair of his chest against her skin for the first time. His hand in her hair eased, and he turned them both and eased her down on the bed, the bag and pile of clean clothes waiting to be packed forgotten. His hands, now free of her hair, roamed up under the knit shirt she was wearing, teasing her nipples through the lace bra she was wearing.

"Logan." She moaned his name, knowing this would be quick and dirty and he would regret it in the morning. She didn't care, not at this point. She was human, she could touch and he was the only man she wanted. The barely rational part of her mind reasoned that if he regretted it maybe he would hit the road again, find his own way to peace, just like she planned on doing.

That was the last rational thought as she heard the distinctive sound of his claws and wrote off the outfit she was wearing to rags. She was quickly naked under his body, the flannel shirt still clinging to his shoulders and back, hanging down on the sides over her like a small tent as his mouth moved to her breasts, his hands gripping her hips, holding her in place, as if he was afraid she would run off. She moaned, finally lacing her fingers through his thick dark hair, moaning at the silky sensation on her fingers as he nipped at her nipples with intensity, causing her to cry out in protest, although the pain only added to her arousal.

She barely felt him unfasten his belt and jeans, but she whimpered at the feel of the denim against the inside of her thighs as his hands gripped her hips, urging her to raise them up to meet him as he thrust deep inside her. She cried out again, and again it wasn't that the pain interrupted, more heightened the pleasure coursing through her body. Her hands were clawing at the fabric on his back, wanting to feel skin, wanting to feel him not the shirt, but he growled against her neck as he pulled back and thrust deep inside her again, and she cried "LOGAN!" against his neck, pleading with one word for him to let her touch him.

He continued to thrust against her, urging her hips into a position that allowed her clit to be stimulated by his movements, sending her coursing through a rapidly building climax. She shuddered, her body trembling under him, but he didn't even change pace, and she felt herself building quickly to another roaring climax. This time she screamed,

"LOGAN!"

"JEAN!" he roared as he collapsed on top of her, and she couldn't stop the tears falling from her eyes. She knew it, knew this was what he needed, needed to be able to be with someone while thinking of HER, but it still hurt, knowing how much she loved him, how much she needed him, to know that even with her, Marie, he was still thinking of Jean.

He rolled off her body, and onto the floor. She was startled by a snore, and she rolled over to look at him. He was passed out. She wanted to kick him, wanted to scream, wanted to drive his own damned blades through his damned metal coated skull, but all she did, is move quietly to the bathroom, clean herself up and pick up the bag and scattered clothes, just throwing them on top. He needed to leave. If he stayed here he would always pine for Jean. If he felt guilty over this, maybe he'd leave, maybe he'd find peace, maybe he would find her, when he was ready for what she had to offer.

She threw on a clean pair of panties and a bra, leaving her shredded clothes on the bed. Let him make of them what he would. She grabbed jeans and another knit top and pulled them on, slipped on her last pair of shoes that were not packed, and picked up the loaded green bag. She pulled the gold chain from around her neck, a locket he'd sent her from up north on his trip hanging from it. Inside was a picture of the two of them, when he'd taken her to the mall to buy some things she needed. She was in her green duster and he was wearing the same flannel shirt he had on now. She dropped it in his open hand.

"Ah'll be back for that. Ah promise."

She turned and opened the door, closing it quietly behind her.

No one saw her leave, and the cab was waiting at the end of the driveway just like she'd asked. She had her classes to concentrate on, and he had to learn to live.


	2. Chapter 2

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 1

She dragged the bag up the last flight of stairs. The damned elevator had to be out and she felt like someone had tried to rip her apart from the inside, oh wait someone had, Logan, and then passed out, leaving her to clean herself up and slink out.

Part of her felt guilty for not confronting him, not demanding he get up and face it. Part just wanted to move on with her life. She'd gotten a package from her parents, after she'd called them and told them she'd taken the cure. She'd thought they'd be happy, but they'd been very cold, and then two weeks later a package of papers had arrived. They'd never told her she was adopted, but they sent her all the documents, and a letter basically saying they'd made a mistake, and she should try to find her birth family because they just didn't think they could claim her as a daughter anymore.

She hadn't told anyone what was in that package, not even Logan. He had to find peace, and she had to find herself. She opened the fire escape door to the sixth floor and looked around. It was fairly quiet, most everyone had moved in last week, but her room was reserved. She was a little nervous about having a room mate, but that was the rules.

She inserted the key she'd gotten at orientation into the door, and it opened to a bare room with two twin beds, desks and a single book case between the beds around and under the one window. The door swung closed and locked behind her. She dropped her bag on the bed to the left of the door, her preferred side, and opened the closet door. There was a built in chest of drawers and she started putting things away.

She was putting a dress on a hanger, when she heard a key in the door. She looked over, wondering who her room mate would be. She groaned as she recognized the woman walking in.

"Nice to see you too. I see the Cure didn't change your hair." Rogue glared at Raven Darkholm.

"What tha hell are you doin' here?" She snapped, fist bunched, ready to punch the Cured metamorph in the face.

"It's my room too." She dropped a bag on the other bed. "You snooze you loose, I guess, I prefer the left."

"Sorry, ain't given' ta charity with people that tried ta kill me." Rogue snapped.

"That was Magneto. I just helped." She smiled and Rogue clenched her fists tighter.

She tried to ignore the woman as she unpacked. She'd dropped the package from her parents on the top of the book case as she'd started to unpack, and she turned at the sound of rustling paper.

"What's this...adoption..." Rogue rushed to grab the papers away from her. "No, this can't...Where the hell did you get this?"

"What, Mah parents sent it, after Ah told them about the cure. Give it ta me." She snatched the papers from Raven.

"Meridian, Mississippi. Its been...twenty-one years since I was through there." Raven sat down on the bed. She reached into the overnight bag that matched her suitcase and pulled out a package of papers, worn, the manila envelope warn with age. Rogue watched as she pulled the top piece of paper out and looked at something on it.

"Read that case number, would you?" Raven looked at her with Rogue would swear pain in her eyes. Rogue walked over and looked down at the paper in the other woman's hands. It was a parental rights suspension, the title of the document in bold letters. Rogue just handed her the packet in her hands, she could already see that the case numbers matched.

"My God."

"You have one?"

"Yes. And somehow he's put us together, like this." There were actual tears in Raven's eyes and Rogue was getting angrier by the moment.

"What the hell do you mean?"

"I've had three children in my life, and had to give them all up." Rogue sat down on her own bed, staring at the woman she was going to have to live with for the next year, fear building as to what she was about to say. "The first, sixty years ago, has been a major pain in my ass, Graydon Creed."

"Creed. EWWWW!" Rogue couldn't stop the outburst.

"Ehh...not that bad, a little rough, but then I'm drawn to powerful men, physical, mental, mutant, doesn't matter as long as its power. The second, I'm very proud of him but there is no way in hell I'd tell him who I am. Although if he takes those damned priest's vows I might skin his blue hide."

"Nightcrawler?"

"Yes. Kurt is my son...and you...you are my daughter."

"No. Cain't be."

"Think about it. My mutation mimics other people, including mutants, yours absorbs them, taking there personalities and powers. Two sides of the same coin."

"Yeah, and both of us are human now." Rogue said bitterly, regretting her loss of mutation for the first time.

"And stuck with each other, it seems."

"Well Ah'm gonna request another roommate." Rogue snapped.

"Rogue, please..." It was the please that caught her. "don't. I want to get to know you, and I have some things to make up for. Besides, it's only temporary, the Cure. It will all be back, and stronger."

"Stronger?" If Rogue wasn't sitting she'd have fallen down at that.

"Yes, I have met a few that it has already worn off on, mostly ferals with healing factors that burn it off quickly, but they are saying now less than six months before powers are back, and stronger."

"Ah ain't sure Ah want ta get ta know you, but you have a point with the Cure. If it wears off, Ah want you where Ah can drain ya if Ah have ta." She muttered.

"You wouldn't get the chance, I could still kick your ass...your Logan's ass too."

"He's NOT mah Logan." She shouted.

"You little fool. It wasn't that red head that made him reject me, I turned into you in the tent. That was when he threw me out, that was when I hit the nerve. Oh he's yours."

"No...he proved that already." She didn't even hide the tears. This woman would cut her with words until they flowed anyway and she'd been holding them back for too long already.

"How, baby. How did the stupid Wolverine hurt my baby." She glared at Raven and the not quite false sincerity in her voice.

"None of your damned business. Now, Ahm gonna unpack, and you are gonna leave me the hell alone. Why the fuck are you even in school?"

"I had to start over that was the deal they gave me. I'm technically twenty-two according to my 'ID' so I'm stuck in the dorms, for now."

"For now?"

"When my mutation is back and stable, I'm outa here." She cocked her head toward the window. "They can control me in this slave state, but once I'm myself again, I have a few scores to settle."

Marie just glared at the woman across the room and then shrugged. It really wasn't any of her business, and she was just too damned tired and sore to care. Raven walked over and sat on the bed next to her, taking her hand.

"If I'd have known, a year ago, Eric could have gone and fucked himself. I never would have let him hurt my child. I need you to know that, Rogue. I never would have let him hurt you if I'd known." Rogue felt fingers tracing through her hair and suddenly the events of the whole day crashed down on her and the tears started to fall.

"Ohh, baby, I'm so sorry." She heard softly crooned in her ear. "Mama's here and it will all be okay."


	3. Chapter 3

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 3

Logan woke with a start. He was laying face down, and for the first time in a long time he heard kids playing in the yard, and the afternoon sun was hitting him right in the eye. He hadn't slept like that in years. Whatever that green shit the guy at Case's had given him was, it worked.

He stretched and popped his neck and that's when he realized the room wasn't right, and that he was on the floor. He took a deep breath, and then another not believing what he smelled. He pushed himself off the floor and that's when the hangover hit. He rolled until he was sitting up, leaning on the end of the bed. He put his head on his knees and took a few deep breaths. He'd never in his life, at least what he could remember, ever had a hangover.

Maybe that green shit wasn't a good idea after all, his head was pounding and his eyes watering. He stood up and walked into the bathroom, still not completely taking in his surroundings. He realized his pants were unfastened and quickly buttoned and zipped them. He ran cold water in the sink and dunked his head under it. He grabbed a towel off the rack and started to dry his face, and that was when it hit him. The scents of the room.

The towel smelled like vanilla and wild flowers, Marie's shampoo and body wash. Her empty toothpaste tube was in the trash can next to the sink, but the toothbrush and all her girly shit was gone. The towel smelled like her, but the one on the floor...the one with blood...he sat down hard on the toilet.

He didn't have to pick it up to know what it smelled like, and the scent was filling his sinuses. It smelled like her, like him, like blood. He let out a pent up inarticulate roar.

The door to the bedroom swung open, and Ororo and Hank stood there, Ro's arms crossed over her chest, Hank just looking concerned.

"We let you sleep it off, but you have some serious explaining to do. Logan." Ro said calmly.

"I would if I could remember." He said, staggering out of the bathroom. He saw the shredded clothes on the bed, the mixed bloody stain on them, the empty closet standing open and on the floor, at the foot of the bed where he'd been laying, the locket he'd given her, discarded, like him. He staggered over and picked it up, something ringing in the back of his mind. "Ah'll be back for this, Ah promise."

"Ro, my dear, I do believe that our erstwhile companion has encountered a substance that even his exceptional physique cannot compensate for." Hank said as Logan leaned his head on his upraised knees. His head was pounding, and he was trying to piece the flashes of memory into some coherent pattern. Two things kept running through his mind. Her asking him to stop and the scent of her fear - fear of him. Everything else was disjointed, without a real connection one piece to the other.

"Get him to my office, I don't care if he's hung over or not." He could smell the anger rolling off her. It was making him nauseous. He heard her angry steps down the hall and down the staircase to the first floor. He didn't even look up when Hank walked over and held out a hand.

"I don't believe you hurt anyone, Logan. Ororo just cannot get Rogue to answer her cell phone, and she is concerned, especially after coming in here this morning to find you unconscious at the foot of her bed and this forensically questionable evidence on the bed." Logan looked up at Hank. They both heard a vibration from the nightstand behind them and Hank opened the door to and pulled out the questionable cell phone.

"Well that answers that question."

"Tell me what you think happened?" Logan said, leaning his head back on his knees.

"I am afraid that my prehensile senses are not as enhanced as yours, however I do not smell any exceptional pain. The scent from her tears is regret, but no fear or pain, at least not physical."

"Tears?"

"Yes, here on the dresser, and in the empty lingerie drawer, and on the locket you are clutching so tightly." He looked up again at the blue mutant. "I think whatever happened between you two was consensual, but regretted. "I am going to down to Ororo's office and let her know the reason Rogue is not answering her cell phone, and have her call the university and see if she checked into the dormitory. I would advise you to follow me."

Logan forced himself to his feet, hanging on to the piece of gold plated silver in his hand. He hadn't even given her a real gold locket, just a cheap imitation, just like him. He staggered out the door after Hank. He worked his way down the stairs, only falling a couple times, and staggered into Ro's office. He grabbed a chair and sat down, cringing at the late afternoon sunlight as it burned his eyes.

"Where is she?"

"She said classes started today and she had to live on campus." He did remember that part, and something about finding a warm willing body to forget in...and him telling her he'd start with her. He was never drinking that green shit again.

"What happened to you, Logan?"

"I was at Case's last night. I came back, she was packing we talked, I was a little wasted, and I made a pass...she didn't say no." He had to believe that last part no matter what his crazy brain tried to make him remember. "This guy, at the bar, had this green shit and he offered me some. I admit it was stupid to drink something I didn't know what it was...but I've never been drunk like that before."

"Its called absinthe." Ororo glared at him harder. "It is usually adulterated with other ingredients, there is no telling what you were given last night."

"I can handle drugs, they don't affect me." Logan snapped.

"Well this did, and you had a very serious lapse of judgment, put a very good friend of all of ours in danger, if only from emotional pain, and now you can't even remember what you did to her."

"We had sex, Ro. Okay, shit, I was shitfaced drunk, but even I know what sex smells like, feels like, and she was screaming my fucking name so it couldn't have been bad for her." He snarled. "You know what, we're done." The words echoed in his head, like they had a special significance. "I've got ta get out of here, its stifling me."

"Then go. But keep in touch, I still expect you to keep your word and at least help with the teams."

"Fuck you." He forced himself up onto his feet and out the door. He was somewhat proud of himself for not staggering up the steps, and it took all of ten minutes to pack his bag and grab the keys to the bike. He didn't know for sure exactly what happened last night, but he was afraid for the first time in a long time. Afraid he'd done something he could never make right, to the one person he couldn't live without.


	4. Chapter 4

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 4

He tried to decide if he was going to confront her, ask her what happened, or if he should trust his not to reliable brain and leave her alone. He parked near the campus. He'd called, found out which building was hers, which window would let him at least see that she was okay, but she wasn't there. He finally caught a glimpse of her walking toward the building and he ducked behind a car, not wanting her to know he was there. She had her head down, carrying her books like a shield over her chest. No gloves, no scarf, even her favorite duster was absent, just a simple shirt and jeans and a large pile of books.

He started to walk toward her when he saw someone else he recognized, and let out a low snarl as he walked up to her, and in his slimy Cajun drawl asked if he could carry her books. What the fuck was Gumbo doing here?

"Chere, de Raven, she said ta look out for you, non." He was oozing at Marie. Logan wanted to gut the Romeo right then.

"Tell her Ah don't need no help from a swamp rat laik you?" Her accent was thick, she was upset, and her scent drifted toward him.

"She's jes' worried about ya."

"Why the fuck does she think pretendin' ta care now will matter." She pulled her arm out of his grip and ran toward the building. He started to go after her, when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"I wouldn't do that Jimmy. She don't want to see you." He turned. Sabretooth grinned at him and he popped his claws. Sabretooth just shook his head. "No, not here. You leave that girl alone, you've done enough damage."

"What do you want with Rogue?" He snarled at the other feral, his head spinning with remembered scents he couldn't put a face or a name to.

"I want you to leave the poor kid alone. You've done enough." The growl was distinctive and threatening.

"I just need ta talk ta her." He said, raising a fist to punch Sabretooth and make a break.

"Non, mon ami. De Chere, she need some time. She got a lot on her plate, an' you jes a distraction right now, one she don' need." Gambit came up on the other side of the car.

Logan shook his head. He should have scented him, but he was so distracted by the continuing hangover.

"Looks like you decided to play with absinthe again, brother. I'd have thought you'd remember the last time you did that. You were drunk for four days and hung over for a month." Sabretooth laughed.

"Brother? Did you just call me..." Logan just slid down the car, glaring up at the towering feral.

"Bring the bike, I'm gonna try ta sober this slob up." Sabretooth told Gambit, and the younger mutant nodded, a slight glare at the larger feral. Sabretooth leaned down and grabbed Logan by the arm, throwing him over his shoulder.

"Put on some weight there, Jimmy. Must be that fancy metal they wouldn't let me have. Can't say I envy you carrying that 'round. No wonder you were slow as shit on the statue." Sabretooth kept up a running monologue as he stuffed Logan into the backseat of a nearby SUV, got into the driver's seat and signaled Gambit to follow him. "You never could get the drop on me, now you never will with that damned stuff in ya. Pa woulda killed you, if you'd grown up with him. You always did get the lucky breaks, and the frails. Remember that oriental girl, the one you actually married. That was a nice piece of ass, too bad you had to gut her and the cub she was carryin'. See, lucky breaks."

Logan tried to get the energy up to protest but his head was reeling. "What the hell are you talking about?" He finally managed.

"Shit, that stuff really fucked with your head, again."

"Again?"

"We'll talk after you sober up. You're always a pain in the ass when you're this drunk." He glared at the man in the rearview mirror and leaned back in the seat. He honestly didn't have the strength to protest much, and he had a whole lot of unanswered questions.

He woke up to lights in his eyes. He could feel the soft mattress under his back and could hear the sound of keys clicking on a keyboard somewhere nearby but below him. He started to sit up when a voice called from below.

"Hey, Jimmy, I thought you'd like ta see this. That stock you told me to invest in has made us both a fortune." He sat up and looked around. He saw a railing to his right and stood slowly. He felt sober. He could remember the night...and the anguish of what he'd done consumed him.

"Get over it and get your ass down here, Jimmy Boy." He looked over the railing and saw the strange image of Sabretooth sitting at a computer.

"Why the hell do you keep calling me that?" He snarled as he started looking for his boots.

"Your closet's the one on the left, most of your shit is outdated but I didn't trash it." The voice came from below again. He opened the closet and saw a mishmash of army fatigues, dress shirts with huge wing collars that hadn't been in style in almost twenty five years, bell bottom jeans and slacks and groaned. He decided he didn't need a pair of boots that badly.

"You gonna answer the question, bub?" He said as he came down the spiral stairs from the loft.

"Why do I keep callin' you Jimmy. Its your name dumbass." Sabretooth was still facing the computer, completely relaxed, as if he either considered Logan no threat, or trusted him completely.

Logan sat down on the expensive leather sofa and just glared until the other feral turned to look at him.

"So, its not the absinthe this time? That's strange. I mean you've always had issues with that shit, I can drink it by the boatload without any problems, but you can handle the damned metal, I'm allergic. Guess that's why we're half brothers huh."

"Brothers? Tell me you're joking."

"James, I can prank with the best of them, and I admit to giving you hell over the last century and a half or so, but I never, EVER joke about my brother."

Logan felt his shoulders slumping. This monster was his brother. Chuck had called him by something other than Sabretooth, what was it. Vincent, Vance, Victor...something.

"Jimmy...what the fuck happened to you?" Creed. His last name was Creed.

"So my name is James Creed?" Logan asked.

"HELL NO! You're James Howlett, and that reminds me, can ya dump the damned Logan. That asshole might have spawned both of us but it pisses me off to no end you want to use his fucking name, especially since you killed him." Creed looked at him and Logan shook his head in confusion.

"Fuck...so do you want your key back or not. I've got a date tonight and don't want ta have ta babysit your ass for the next three days."

"I was out for three days?"

"Yep...normal when you drink that shit."

"I have a key?"

"Hell yeah, the condo's half yours...which reminds me I ain't plannin on bringin her home tonight, but can we go back to the old signal, I don't mind an audience, but this frail's kinda shy."

"Signal?"

"Red handkerchief on the door its safe, green, go get shitfaced and don't come back for two days." The feral actually grinned at him and slapped him on the shoulder. "Oh, this is yours too." A small piece of plastic landed in his lap. "The pin is 1830." Logan pulled the plastic card out of its sleeve.

"Mine?"

"I've kept your accounts open, go get some new clothes or somethin now that you're sober. I might want this one ta meet the family, at some point."

"Family...this one?" He just looked at Creed in confusion.

"Frail, the one I'm fucking...its getting kinda serious, she's bugging me about family and shit, if I didn't need the squeaky clean cover for a while I wouldn't fuckin bother, but I've got too much heat on me right now." Creed grabbed a black leather duster and swung it onto his large frame. "Don't wait up."


	5. Chapter 5

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 4

Rogue dropped on her bed, exhausted. It had been a long week. Raven wasn't due back for at least another hour, unless she skipped her Econ 105 class again and Rogue needed some time to think.

Raven had been a strange experience all the way around. She tried to act more like a friend, or like her old self, rather than mothering her, after the first night. Having someone to listen that night had been great, Rogue had been cautious, but talked about what it had been like in Meridian, her planned hitchhiking trip and about her powers manifesting the first time. Raven had listened, not just ignored her, or popped bubblegum at her and they'd talked until two in the morning.

Raven's over-protectiveness was driving her nuts, though, and her choices of friends were even worse. That swamp rat was going to get his hand cut off if he didn't leave her the fuck alone, and if Creed showed up unannounced one more time she was going to do her dead level best to kill him, too. They were Rogue's bodyguards, at least that is what Raven told her.

The door opened and she glared as the dark haired woman walked in the door.

"You want to get some dinner?" Raven asked as she dropped her books on her desk.

"Not really."

"Rogue, you need to eat."

"Who're you, mah mother?" Raven flinched. "Sorry."

"No, it is alright. I deserve it, I guess."

"And call off the goon squad, Ah'm sick of bein tailed everywhere Ah go."

"Remy is...well he's kind of like your brother, I raised him. Creed, well he's a power unto himself, and technically one of your step fathers."

"Ah don't care, Ah can make it to and from class jest fine without those two lurkin around." Rogue glared as the other woman pulled the drapes and started to undress.

"I am just concerned for your safety, this is wearing off quicker than we expected and your powers could come back at any time." Mystique said, her form shifting from her human one to the more familiar blue scales.

"You're sick. Who the hell would WANT ta be blue and scaly?" Mystique smiled, her white teeth flashing against the blue of her lips.

"It is what I am. It was this that gave birth to you, this form, this body, this mutation, not that weak pathetic excuse that I have to pretend to be." Rogue just shook her head.

She'd been in class about four weeks and was starting to get worried. She hadn't told anyone about Logan, about that last afternoon at the school, but now she was late, and she was never, ever late.

"I got you something at the union." Raven said, tossing her a box. "You might as well find out now, as later." Rogue looked at the box as if it might bite her.

"How'd you know?"

"I've worn that look a time or two. I know you don't want to talk about it, and I know it is Wolverine's, but you are my daughter, and the baby you are carrying is my grandchild, and I want to be a part of its life."

"What makes you think Ahm..."

"Well, Creed has been able to smell it for about two weeks, and he told me." Raven said as she sat back down. The ability to be Mystique didn't last very long, but she spent longer each evening in her mutant form. It was easier to talk to her as Raven, Mystique still scared the shit out of her, mother or not.

"Well than why tha hell did ya get this?"

"So you'd have something to show that lunk-head when he finally showed up." Rogue cringed. Four weeks and he hadn't called, hadn't sent her a note, hadn't let anyone know where he was going. She'd called the school the evening after her first day of class, to let Ro know she was okay. Ro had told her that Logan was gone, and that if she needed them, even against him, to just call. Rogue hadn't called back.

She'd hoped he'd take to the road, try to get his old spark back, try to remember why he kept going. She knew it wasn't for her, she knew that even Jean wouldn't have held him for long, and that this was what he needed, but he could have left her a message. She shook her head. No he couldn't have. If he thought of her at all it was either contempt or pity, and she didn't want either of those, not from him.

She looked up at Raven. "What makes ya think A'll have it."

Raven looked her straight in the eye. "Because I had you."

Rogue nodded. She was right. She'd never end it, but she wasn't giving it up either.

"We'll raise it together." Raven moved across the room to sit next to her. "I only ever got to really spend time with one of my children, until now. Kurt was eight months old when he was taken from me, and I don't want you to go through that. Logan is an idiot, and we don't need him, baby."

"Who said Ah want you ta help me raise it. Sheit, it'd turn out as sick and twisted as you and you're crazy friends are."

Raven laughed. "You will. We're, maybe, sick and twisted and a little crazy, but we are something that metal brained idiot can never be, family."


	6. Chapter 6

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 6

Logan sat at the desk, glaring at the stack of papers Victor had left for him to sign. Bank accounts, deeds to real estate, financial stock accounts, safe deposit boxes, all in half a dozen different countries and currencies. He'd been here three weeks, and his memory wasn't any better than it had been when he woke up from the hangover. Gambit came in every day to play on the damned video game console and pick at him.

He'd finally given in and sat at the desk Victor told him was his. Nothing newer than twenty years, except the papers Victor had put there two weeks ago.

_"You need to take care of this crap, Jimmy. I can't carry you forever, you either need ta clear them out and consolidate or do...something. The Swiss banks in particular are giving me hell about not seeing you in almost twenty years." He threw a folder down on the a cluttered desk in the living room of the condo. "I've left your shit, but I'd really like you to clean it the fuck up."_

He dropped the folder, and started going through the desk, looking for anything that might jog a memory. The door to the condo opened and Victor came in, and Logan glared at him as he dropped the suit jacket on the back of a chair while he ripped off the red silk tie he was wearing. "God I hate board meetings."

"I need you ta tell me what happened, how did I lose my memory?" Logan said.

"How the fuck should I know? The last time I saw you, before I had ta try ta kidnap the kid was at Three Mile Island, and you were fine then." He was unbuttoning the dark grey shirt that he'd worn under the black and grey pinstripe Armani suit. Logan shook his head. He'd never imagined Sabretooth in a suit, but Victor managed it. Somewhere over the three weeks he'd decided that family was family, and he needed whatever link to his past Victor could provide.

"What happened at Three Mile Island?"

"Shit - If you're gonna ask those questions I'm gonna need something stronger than beer." Victor said as he put the cold beer back in the fridge and walked to the well stocked bar. He pulled out a bottle of scotch and two tumblers. "We can start with this. I figure we'll have to restock after this talk."

"Why do you say that?"

"You're gonna be pissed, I'm gonna be pissed and both of us will probably try to kill each other for a while, and the only thing that will keep us going is booze." Victor dropped the glasses on the coffee table and opened the bottle and filled them both.

Logan stood up and walked to the sofa and picked up a glass. He downed it in one gulp and held it out for another.

"That's a good start." Victor grinned, pouring him another glass. Logan sat down, and glared at his brother.

"Okay, I'm just tryin ta figure out where to start. What do you remember?"

"I remember waking up, I remember Gumbo tryin ta drag me out of there and I remember some girl's body on the ground." He closed his eyes...He remembered something else, looking down the barrel of a gun. "And a gun...Stryker had a gun."

'SHIT!" Victor snarled.

"What?"

"He had that made, just incase he couldn't control you. I never thought he'd be able ta use it."

"What was it?" 

"Adamantium, .44 caliber, with adamantium firing pin, barrel and bullets." Victor snarled. "Fuck, if I'da known he was gonna use that I'da killed him first."

"So...he shot me?"

"Had to have, said a bullet through the brain you wouldn't remember anything."

"I have some flashes, mostly in my nightmares, of the process..." Logan started.

"Good, that means you can get it back, maybe." Victor leaned forward both elbows on his knees. "The question is, do you want to?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, frankly Jimmy, you're a damned do gooder now. I ain't sure you'll like what you find. We're brothers, you're more like me than you want to admit right now."

"I need to. I have to talk to Rogue but I don't want to, until I KNOW who I am."

"Is that what it is? You've got the money, the houses, everything a frail wants, why does the past matter?"

"It just does."

"You're both idiots, but I'm just as bad, I'd fight tooth and...claw to find out in your shoes." Victor nodded at him. "I've thought about this, and I think its best if you read it instead of me tellin' ya. I ain't in the mood to fight, having you home has been...well nice." He stood up and opened a locked drawer in his desk. He pulled out a worn leather book and handed it to Logan. "There, in your own words, up ta right before you took the Adamantium...you made the last entry two days before...well I'll get ta that part when you get done readin' that."

"What did you mean, you're both idiots?" Logan said as he took the journal.

"Rogue...she's all for shit about finding her past. She's got a future to worry about and she's more concerned about the past."

"What does that mean?"

"I ain't tellin ya...its her place, but when we're done, when you're satisfied and you think you can face her, I'll set up a meeting." Victor said, "I'm gonna leave, let you read that, and be ready to kick your ass tomorrow til ya calm down. I'll warn Gumbo you're about to be out for blood."

"You think I'll try to kill you?"

"I know you will. Some things I had nothin' ta do with, some I did and I'll take my accounting for those tomorrow. You need ta read." Victor grabbed his keys off the table by the door. "Think I'll go get laid. Have fun."

Logan glared, then picked up the bottle, glass and book and got comfortable on the couch. He opened the cracked leather cover and a slip of paper came out. He picked it up and stared at the all too familiar handwriting. He picked up a pen from the table next to the sofa and wrote the first sentence out...there was no doubt it was his handwriting.

_August 26th, 1965_

_James, _

_If you are reading this then either someone really fucked your head up and you can't remember anything or you went on a major bender with that green shit and you can't remember anything. The way I'm feeling like now, probably the latter. Mariko is dead, so is the baby. I don't have anything left to live for, maybe forgetting would be the best. Also if you are reading this, you don't trust Victor for some reason, he's had to give you the journal to remind you because you don't believe what he says. Dipshit he's your brother, like it or not. He's wiped your nose and carried you out of battlegrounds that should have killed you both. Give him the benefit of the doubt, at least for now. Finish reading this. If he has it then either he found it, and this note, or I gave it to him, and this note. Either way, I trust him with my past, my future and my life, so you should too. He ain't a saint by any means, shit neither are you, but he's all the family you've got. Now, pull your head out of your ass and try to remember who the fuck you are...He needs you, now more than ever, and don't let all that big brother bravado fool you._

_James Howlett_

He put the loose paper inside the cover where it had fallen from and opened the cracked vellum pages.

_Victor says we have to keep running. If they ever find us they'll hang us for killing Pa, well his Pa and my Pa only he wasn't my Pa...its confusing but he's my brother and I trust him. He's always been nice to me, keeping me company when no one else would. No one wants to play with a kid that is sick all the time..._


	7. Chapter 7

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 6

Rogue glared at the stick on the bathroom counter. SHIT she was going to have to find Logan now. She wasn't going to let him find out from someone else, or let her damned mother tell him. She didn't know what Mystique was up to, but it was getting ugly. Remy was around all the time and he was getting annoying.

She needed someone to talk to, but not Raven...she needed someone she could trust, someone she wanted to confide in. She wanted Logan, but this wasn't something she could talk to him about. Even Kitty would be nice...except she didn't trust her either right now. She opened the bathroom door and looked out. Raven was gone to class, and everything was quiet. She picked up the room phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Xavier's Institute, Ororo Monroe speaking."

"Ro, it's Rogue. Is Hank around?" She hoped he was as kind as he looked.

"I'm sorry, He was called to an emergency in New York, is everything alright?" Ro sounded truly concerned.

"No...yes...no, but...I don't know who to trust." She had always been honest with Ro.

"You can always talk to me." Ro said softly.

"No...not about this, but do you have Kurt's number?" She could always talk to Kurt, he always would listen...she just hoped he wouldn't have a heart attack. She wrote the number down and said good bye to Ro.

She dialed the number and held her breath.

"The Amazin..."

"Kurt its Rogue."

"Rogue, you sound...where are you?"

"NYU."

"What dorm?" He asked softly. She told him the building name and room number and he said. "I'll be right there."

She sat quietly on the bed, wondering if she'd done the right thing. NYU was such a public place. She jumped at the knock on the door. She rushed over to open it for him.

"Pretty Rogue." He smiled and pulled her into a hug.

"Kurt, Ah need ta talk ta someone...and you're tha only one Ah could think of."

"Vat's wrong?"

"Ah'm in so much trouble...Ah don't even know where ta start."

"Ver are your gloves?"

"Ah don't need them, Ah took the cure."

"Ah, dat explains a few tings." He sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulder. "Tell Brother Kurt all about it."

She jumped and looked at him. "Vat?"

"How'd you know?"

"Know vat?"

"That you're mah brother?"

"VAT? How vould you...how could you know...its impossible." He stuttered.

"Well ya just said brother Kurt."

"I meant as in friarly brother." Kurt said, pointing to the collar on his shirt.

"Ah shit Ah fucked up again." She put her face in her hands and cried.

"There, there...tell me vat you are talking about."

"First Logan and Ah...Ah goaded him inta it, Ah needed ta have just one moment before Ah left, but it wasn't laik Ah wanted and...Ah just left him. He don't know where Ah am and now Ah'm gonna have a baby. My parents told me Ah was adopted so Ah thought Ah'd look for my real mother and ended up with her for a roommate...Mystique...and Ah'm so sorry you had to find out laik this but, she's your mother too." She suddenly felt like a weight had lifted off of her, just spilling it all out.

He looked like he'd been slapped. "Mystique, my...mother?"

"Yeah...if it means anything, she loves ya...she just couldn't ever find ya again, and when she did, you're...well she's very proud of ya." She took his hand.

"My mother." He whispered, and suddenly a smile broke his face. "I've never known my parents, and to know my mother...it is a life dream, even in the circus I vould imagine her in the crowds, vatching me, and to know...that she knows who I am and is proud of me." The look of wonder on his face reminded her that she'd only known the pain of not knowing for a short time, he'd had it all his life.

"She'll be back from class soon." Rogue said.

"Now, vat vas dat about a baby?" He turned and gave her a stern look.

"Yeah, Ah ain't far along, just barely enough ta show on a test."

"And Logan is de father?"

"Yes." She looked at her hands.

Kurt pulled her close. "Vell, You have a brother to help, if you need it, little sister. I can try to find him and bring him here?"

"No, he's...broken, after Jean. He needs ta heal. He needs ta live again."

"And vat about YOU! You are barely vat, tventy. Vat about your life, vat about the life you are carrying. He is responsible, he needs to stand up and be a man and stop running." Kurt was really angry.

"Ah love him, but Ah wasn't anythin' more than a warm body ta forget in." She whispered.

" Ich werde ihn töten, ich werde rip seinen Kopf ab. Ich will ihn verletzt bis zu seinem Metall Knochen Schnitt befinden." Kurt hissed.

"Ah don't know what you just said, but it didn't sound good."

"It vasn't for your Volverine, ven I find him." She suddenly realized that good natured Kurt could be very deadly if he wanted to be.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Raven shouted as she walked in the door.

"Mother." Kurt said, standing and giving her a courtly bow. Raven glared at Rogue, but Kurt said. "My baby sister needed help, and she turned to her brother, something I am very pleased to find out. And about you." He held his hands out to her and Rogue was stunned by the tears in Raven's eyes as she gave her son a hug.

A/N I'll kill him, I will rip his head off. I will make him hurt until his metal bones bleed. - translated


	8. Chapter 8

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 8

Victor was gone for three days. Logan read the journal through, then read it again, and then went over specific parts a third time. Nothing jogged a memory, well that wasn't true, something did, and he understood now why he'd felt the way he did about Jean, or at least about her death. He'd finally left on the afternoon of the second day. The door led out to a hallway, and an elevator on the end. The building had sixty seven stories, and he'd gone down to the lobby, the key Victor had given him in his pocket.

_He'd found his boots under the bed in the loft, and he needed clean clothes. The security people looked at him strangely when he stepped from the elevator, and then at a painting on the wall. There were two actually, Victor and a very good likeness of him._

_"Mr. Howlett, we weren't aware you were back." The security officer said._

_"Not sure I am, where can I get some clothes...quick?" He asked. The man looked him up and down, his ragged jeans, worn biker boots and flannel shirt, and grinned. _

_"Down the street one block and to the left. A very nice haberdashery, they should have clothing to suit your needs Mr. Howlett, and I must say it is very nice to have you back at C&H Financials." Logan growled and left the building. He turned and headed toward descending numbers. Why the hell the damned building had to be on Fifth Avenue he didn't know, or care._

He'd come back with a couple bags, mostly jeans and t-shirts, some button down business style shirts. They'd tried to talk him into a suit but he wasn't interested. They couldn't rave enough about Victor and he was ready to puke by the time he left. He'd found the bathroom and taken a scalding hot shower, the stink of that green shit still oozing from his pores. Clean clothes and a new pair of boots had made him feel halfway normal, and he'd sat down to wait.

The door opened and a white handkerchief waved inside the door. "Truce, I just need ta get some clothes." Victor said from outside.

"Get your ass in here." Logan snarled.

Victor opened the door and looked around. He was covered in mud, the jeans and wife-beater not what he'd been wearing when he left.

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"Your girl...or rather her damned over protective big brother, that's what." He snarled.

"She doesn't have a brother."

"You don't know everything about her, Jimmy." Victor said as he walked past the sofa and through a door under the loft. Logan glanced into the one door he hadn't opened yet. There was a huge mahogany bed, had to be custom built with blood red sheets and comforter, and matching furnishings in the rest of the room. It had a fireplace with a portrait over the mantle. Logan looked at the picture, wondering who the woman was.

"Hey butt the shit out of my life, til you get yours straight." Victor growled as he slammed the door behind him.

"Who is she?"

"You're not the only one who's lost shit in the last twenty years." Victor growled.

"C&H Financials?"

"Your idea, not mine, partner." Victor dropped on the sofa. "I assume, since you're not tryin' ta kill me you either have a shitload of questions, or you remember and you're waiting till I'm comfortable.?"

"Only one thing in the whole damned book jogged a memory, well two actually." Logan said, quietly. "The whole death of my wife thing reminded me of Jean...and this picture..." He picked up the one of him and a girl with dark hair and eyes laughing with mountains in the backdrop. "I remember seeing her body...after Gumbo tried ta pull me outa that place."

"That's Kayla. You thought I'd killed her so you volunteered for the adamantium process so you'd have an advantage to come after me and kill me." Victor stood up and walked to the bar. "Did ya have ta kill off the tequila, I ain't in the mood for whiskey?"

"Yep." Logan growled. "What do you mean I thought you'd killed her?"

"It was a trap, she was workin' for Stryker, keepin tabs on you, he sent me ta inject her with a drug to make her seem dead, even ta us. I spilled blood on her, but you didn't look too close, a problem you have about jumping to conclusions, by the way." Victor growled at him, the bottle in his hand. "I knew you didn't really love her, I'd seen you in love with someone, and Kayla was just passin' time."

"So you made it look like you'd killed her so I'd come after you?"

"Yep, that was Stryker's plan. I couldn't take the adamantium, somethin' about it would have killed me. He had ta have you." Logan shook his head. That wasn't that important at the moment, what was important was trying to remember, there was something he had to remember.

"Well, we're sittin' here talkin about it, without bloodshed, so I'm confused." Victor said finally after taking a swig from the bottle. "I honestly thought I'd have ta fight ya, and after Kurt knockin' me around, I ain't in tha mood."

"Kurt? I thought you said Rogue's big brother?"

"He's actin like a big brother." Victor said, taking another swig.

"Ah. That makes sense. He always liked her." Logan said, dismissing it, then paused. "You've seen Rogue?"

"Yeah - see her most every day." Victor said, this time Logan did let the claws escape his hands. "I told ya, get your head on straight and I'd arrange a meeting. She's got people lookin out for her, better'n you did."

"If you hurt her..." Logan started.

"What, like YOU did, you shit." Victor snarled back. "Trust me, its all I can do NOT to rip your guts out sometimes, the main reason I don't is it all ain't about you, and she's dealin with that shit just fine."

"What do you mean?"

"The world don't revolve around you, Jimmy, not even with her. She's got shit ta deal with, that has nothin' ta do with you. YOU need ta get your head on straight, and I've got an idea on how ta do that, but you ain't gonna like it."

"What do you mean shit?" Logan asked

"Not my place ta say, you can talk about it with her when you see her again." Victor said. Logan glared at him, but knew he wouldn't get any more out of the other feral. One thing the journal had done, is make him really look at Creed in a whole new light.

"So...what's your idea?" He finally asked.

"Well, I think that Stryker used that gun I told ya about. I think the bullets may still be in there, even sitting in the areas where memory is stored..." Logan glared at Victor, he sounded...like the damned Bluebutt. "or rather that's what Hank thinks since I went ta talk to him about it. The problem is, no machine can see inside you're damned head with that shit on your bones, so we're gonna have ta go in blind."

"Go IN?" Logan's claws popped out again.

The front door opened and Hank and Kitty Pryde were standing there. "Actually, Shadowcat will be going in...Hank is going to guide her to the parts of the brain he thinks are effected." Victor said as the pair walked in and shut the door.

Logan shook his head. This was gonna hurt. He was trying to decide if it was going to be worth the pain to try to get his memory back when he the tingle of Kitty's hand phasing into his skull.

"Right about here, Doc." Kitty asked, and Hank nodded in front of Logan. He glared at the Bluebutt who hadn't said a word to him. "This is really going to hurt." Kitty said, and Logan smelled anger and satisfaction as she phased her hand solid for a second and he blacked out.


	9. Chapter 9

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 9

Rogue walked slowly back to the dorm after class, almost six weeks since she'd seen Logan, since...and she'd gone from being angry to sad, and now she was just depressed. Kurt was trying to keep her cheered up, popping in every evening. Last week he'd nearly gotten killed trying to keep Victor out, until they explained. He still wasn't happy with the whole Sabretooth as a 'step dad' idea, but he at least was able to carry on a conversation with the feral.

Victor had taken her to dinner last night, and told her he'd been in contact with Logan, that Logan wanted to talk to her, but he was in the middle of something right now. She'd just nodded and told him not to worry about it.

If he wanted to talk to her, and Victor knew how to get a hold of him and he hadn't found her, then he really didn't want to talk to her. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. He was probably in the middle of getting as much sex as he could to forget Jean. She wiped a tear. She should have expected it. She knew she was just a kid, someone he just felt responsible for when he was sober, and that he'd fucked drunk.

She dropped onto a bench along the sidewalk. She had to stop this, she was already facing failing a class if she didn't concentrate, and now, with her powers trying to come back she was really getting scared. Maybe she should go back, let them wrap her in leather and combat training and forget. She doubted he'd go back, not for a long time so it was the last place she'd have to worry about running into him right now.

"Chere, are you alright?" The damned Cajun was back.

"Jes' leave me alone, ya damned swamp rat." She snapped at him.

"Chere, de Wolverine, he's not wort' dis." He took her bare hand and she felt a whisper of a pull.

"It AIN'T LOGAN!" She shouted. "Ah don't want ta talk about it." She said quietly as people around them turned to look.

"Let me walk you back to de dorm, Chere, you need rest." He held out a hand again to help her to her feet, she ignored it, and just stood up. He walked along with her.

"I've met him, before all dis...back years ago." She glared at him as they walked. "I was jes de enfant, barely seventeen. I'd escaped from where dey were experimenting on mutants and I didn' wanna go back, but he convinced me. I helped him, an' dat place, it was eliminer...but he didn' know me when I wen' in ta get him out. I don' know what happen to him in der, but it wasn' good."

"You knew him sixteen years ago?" She looked at him. "You don't look much older than twenty-four or five." He grinned at her and grabbed her hand, bringing it to his lips quickly, kissing it.

"You are too kind, Chere." She pulled her hand back, both because of his audacity, and the pull she felt, the whisper in her mind.

"Anyway, de Wolverine, he ain't got nothin on his mind but killin...lest dat's all he had back den."

"Ah don't need you ta tell me about Logan." She said softly, a tear streaking down her face. He stopped at the dorm building door and she walked in.

"Chere, der's others that could love you, widout all dat pain." He whispered as she ran for the elevator.

She opened the room door and Raven and Victor were sitting there.

"I think its time, Rogue." Victor said, softly.

"I don't. I think she needs more time, to look at other options." Raven said, snapping at Victor.

"I don't. " Victor snarled.

"Time for what?" She asked as they bickered, dropping her books on her desk.

"To talk to Jimmy."

"Who's Jimmy?"

"You call him Logan. A name I hate by the way." Victor growled.

"You can't tell her..." Raven started, but Rogue was already face to face with Victor.

"Why...and why did ya call him Jimmy." She heard the door swing open behind her and Raven's hissed SHIT!

"Cuz its my name, Darlin."

She turned around. He was standing there, hands in his pocket, and something about him was very different. She wanted to run to him, wanted to slap him, wanted to kill him, but most of all she just wanted to cry.

"Out, both of ya." He snarled, and even Raven jumped. "And don't think you're skating on the fifty grand ya owe me Myst." She watched her mother blanch, and that was when she realized what was wrong. He didn't look lost anymore.

"I'm not leaving her." Raven said, standing up to him. He moved quickly, his hand around her throat. She winced.

"Don't think I won't kill you, bitch. I remember EVERYTHING!" He whispered the last word and it was like a bomb in the room.

"Let her go, Jimmy, you and the kid need ta talk." Victor said, taking Raven's arm. She yanked it back from him, and he growled at her. He pushed her out of the room and pulled the door shut with "I'm right down the hall, Rogue, if he gets out of line."

Logan snarled a minute, and then pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran them through his hair, then held one out to her.

"James Howlett, nice ta meet ya."


	10. Chapter 10

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

CHAPTER 10

"Marie." He whispered when she refused to take his hand.

"What do you want?" She snapped.

He lowered his arm slowly. He'd thought this would be easy, until her scent hit him. She had to hate him. Leaving her like that - even if she did the leaving. He wanted to rip into something, she was pissed at him, and he was the one left passed out on the floor after...what he still wasn't completely sure.

"Were ya gonna tell me?" He said as he walked over to the bed that smelled like the damned Metamorph. He had a very old score to settle with that bitch when he was done here, but this was more important.

"If you showed up, yeah." She snapped again. He waited, hoping she'd say more. He'd never seen her this angry, and suddenly he had a reason to be angry too. It was his child damn it, he had a right to know even if he'd ra...no he wasn't even going to think that word.

"Just gonna wait on me to find you, what makes you think I don't have better things to do, kid." He regretted it as soon as he said it, and the tears only made him feel worse. "Marie, I'm sorry...I didn't mean it."

"No, you're right, you have better things ta do. Ahm just a kid. Raven has offered ta help me with the...things." She said.

"Why is that bitch around anyway, didn't she try ta kill you?"

"She's mah mother." She whispered the words low enough that even his hearing had a hard time catching them

"YOUR WHAT?" He shouted.

"You heard me, you piece of shit." He was stunned at her, she'd never raged at him, not like that. "You never cared a bit, you got what you wanted, jes' like everyone else in mah life. Mah parents got a kid till I turned out ta be what they didn't want, Xavier got a tool ta use when he needed it, Bobby used me til Kitty showed interest, Magneto used me as a damned weapon. Raven gave me up because she couldn't keep me. The damned Cajun keeps flirtin' and I'm waitin' ta see what his angle is. Ah'm TIRED! Ahm pregnant and Ah don't know who ta trust, and now YOU show up all funny, claimin ta be someone I don't know, and Ahm just supposed ta just go back to whatever the fuck we had, Ah don't even know what that was anymore, and all you want is JEAN and AH CAN'T DO IT!" Suddenly she broke down, and just dropped to the floor, tears flowing down her face, pain etched in every line of her body and he stood up and walked to her, kneeling with her, pulling her tight against his chest.

"Marie...I...I need ta know what happened." He whispered. "I've got bits and pieces and I can't go forward until I know if you can forgive me."

"Its always about YOU! AH don't KNOW if Ah can forgive you...Ah don't know if Ah can forgive mahself." She sobbed.

"Marie...please." He put both hands on either side of her face, and she reached up to pull them away, but then pressed them close, and he felt the draw...her power was back, and pulling him in. He tried to pull away. He'd just gotten his mind back, and didn't want to overwhelm her with it. He had to protect her, he couldn't ever let her get hurt like Mariko...

"Who's Mariko?" She whispered, allowing his hands to slip away from hers, looking up at him.

"She was my wife." He whispered.

"What happened?"

"She...was poisoned, at our wedding feast." He hoped she'd just take it, but no not his Marie.

"Why?"

"Enemies of her father. They did it to get to him, they didn't care that she was pregnant, that the poison would kill her in the most agonizing way possible, that it would kill the baby...she was seven months along, and I could feel him moving." He didn't want to feel the pain again, the pain of feeling his son move under her skin, as he... "She begged me, to kill her, to put my claws into her heart, so he wouldn't feel the pain of the poison." His cheeks were wet.

"Logan..." She started, but he put a finger over her lips, her soft, gentle lips.

"James, or Jimmy as Victor calls me." He whispered.

"Why...why Victor, how'd he know who...?" He couldn't wait, he needed to taste her, to know she still wanted him, still needed him. He brushed her lips with his, and when she didn't start draining him, or slap him, he brushed them with his tongue, begging her to open for him, and he felt her surrender. He moaned as he pulled her close, devouring what she had to offer, like it was air after suffocating. Her fingers were in his hair and he pulled back.

"Sorry." He whispered.

"For what."

"You were askin' somethin."

"Victor. How'd he know your name."

"He's my brother." She pulled back from him.

"WHAT!"

"Marie, it's okay. We worked through some shit."

"He's my step dad." She whimpered.

"Not really...yeah he and the blue bitch have a kid, but he's not related to YOU." He growled.

"You know about their kid?"

"Yeah...I kinda introduced them."

"WHAT!"

"Can we not talk about my past sex life, please. I'd like ta just concentrate on the future."

"YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER!"

"Only once..." He growled. "Almost a hundred years ago for God's sake."

"Lo..Jam...Jim...LOGAN!" She shouted.

"Darlin, please, I really don't want to hear that name out of your mouth." He tried to kiss her again, but she pulled back.

"You better start explainin'." She pushed back against his chest.

"I really don't want to go by the name of a man I killed anymore, okay."

"WHAT!"

"My father, alright. I killed my father." He growled.

He barely caught her as she fainted. This wasn't going exactly as he'd hoped.


	11. Chapter 11

Time to Live

Almost forgot the legal disclaimer part...don't own them, wish I did, but gonna make them jump through hoops anyway.

Summary: After X3, Rogue took the cure, and Logan has to heal. Rogue decides to live her life, and it leads her on an adventure of discovery and pain until she finds her way home.

A/N frenchy, yes I am aware of that, however in this case, some people do have reactions to the wormwood itself, which is what I am basing this on. I can't drink it without a severe allergic reaction, his reaction is related to the fact that Victor cannot take the adamantium, its an allergic reaction.

This is the last chapter in this one but I will be doing a sequel...to answer the questions about Victor.

CHAPTER 11

She woke up on the bed, he was holding her hand, and her power kicked in, drawing his thoughts into her mind.

_I can't believe all of this is my fault. How could I have hurt her, I need her. I love her. You are such a damned idiot, you were better off before you got your life back, better off not knowing what you'd lost, what it felt like to lose everything that mattered. You're gonna lose her too. She has to hate you._

"Ah don't" She whispered. "Ah love ya, ya dope."

He looked up at her, and then pulled his hand back. "You...when did it start?"

"A couple days ago, brushed a teacher handin' in a paper, got what she was thinkin'." She took his hand again. "It's only out of control when Ahm half awake, or not payin attention. Guess gettin' it back slowly is letting me learn how ta turn it off." She tried to sit up but he put a hand on her shoulder.

"Lay down, Darlin. We can talk like this, and..." She felt a low cramping in her gut. "I was gonna warn you about that, can you pull my power, Marie." He was being calm, comforting.

"Why?"

"Cuz if you can't, certain things are going to be...less important."

"Log..." the cramps became more intense.

"No time. Turn in the fuck on, if you want to keep this baby." He said, his eyes full of pain. She felt for the switch in her brain, and felt him invade her mind, felt his power fill her, felt the cramps subside and every small ache and pain in her body fade. She shut it off, but not before she got a very strong sense of how he felt, not only about her, but about the baby.

"Ah..." She gulped. "Ah, don't know what ta say." She whispered as she released him. He just brushed his lips across her forehead.

"Darlin...I didn't want ya gettin' that last part." He whispered, his head bowed, and she could smell the tears, his powers wouldn't last long, but she used them while she had them.

"Well Ah did." She stroked her fingers through his hair. "Why wouldn't ya want me ta know...?"

"I wanted ta prove it to ya, I still don't know what I did...how all this..." He gestured to her, laying on the bed and she knew he meant the baby.

"Well last time Ah checked...it takes a sperm and an egg to combine in tha..." He kissed her to shut her up and she grinned as she kissed him back.

"You know that's not what I mean, Marie." he whispered, and the pain and fear were back in his eyes. "Did I hurt ya, did I do...did I..." She covered his lips with her fingers and kissed him, wishing her powers worked in reverse so she could just show him how she felt, how much she loved him, needed him.

"No...you didn't." She whispered.

"I remember you sayin I didn't want ta do it...I remember just bits and pieces, damned allergy."

"What?"

"I'm allergic to the crap, used it twice ta try ta kill myself, after Mariko died." He whispered. "If I drink enough, it shuts my mutation off, but I'm so drunk I can't do anything about it."

"Did you know, this time, what it did?" She asked. If he'd tried to kill himself...

"No. I didn't know and by the time I finished the first couple drinks, it worked just like booze is supposed to and I just wanted ta forget. What happened with Jean...it brought up the feelings if not the memories of what happened and I felt like I'd killed her again...not Jean, but Mariko, and with you...I felt like I'd gotten her back."

"Logan, Ah don't want ta be somethin that reminds ya of somethin else, Ah don't want ta lose you to a memory." She whispered.

"You're not. What happened between us, it brought up feelings, things I needed to deal with that had nothing to do with you." He whispered.

"Is that why you called for Jean when you..." She blushed, her cheeks burning. It wasn't something she had a whole lot of experience with.

"I called for Jean?" he looked at her puzzled.

"Yes. Screamed her name actually." She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice.

"Shit, no wonder you're pissed." He hit himself in the head. "Darlin, I was dealing with feelings that were tied to things that had nothin to do with you or Jean, and Jean was...the focal, the thing that brought them up in my head, and heart. And I know why now."

"This better be good." She snapped. He was digging himself a very deep grave.

"She reminded me of the pain, the death. She reminded me of losing Mariko, even from the beginning. When she begged me to kill her...it brought up those feelings, but it brought up other things too, things that you reminded me of, things I felt for you...feel for you, that are comfortable, that are peaceful, that are things to live for. Mariko brought me peace, like you do, she made me smile like no one but you, her love was not hard and demanding, but quiet and peaceful. It took me months to realize I loved her, years to ask her to marry me. She was my life, I planned on being there when she died of old age, instead I had to feel her blood run down my hand, watch the life extinguish from her eyes. Jean reminded me of death. You reminded me to live."

She just looked at him, tears running down her face. She'd felt it, but had been afraid it was just an echo of what he'd felt before, but now...she knew, this was what he'd been looking for, why after they'd come to Xavier's it became so important for him to remember.

"So..." She scooted over in the bed, and he took the hint stretching out next to her, and she curled against his side, cheek pressing against his chest, his heartbeat right under her ear. "tell me how it happened?"

"Mariko?' He asked, on arm wrapping around her, fingers stroking her hair.

"No silly, your memory." She giggled.

"Oh...well when I was carrying Kayla out of Three Mile island Stryker..." He said.

"Kayla? Three Mile Island? STRYKER!" Marie looked up at him.

"SHIT, it's a long fuckin' story." He growled.

"Jest give me the short short version, for now." She grinned, remembering her favorite scene in a movie.

He chuckled. "Do you...do you...okay kiss her, you're married." She had no idea he even knew that movie. He leaned down and kissed her. "Okay now for the short short version of the life of James Howlett."

"I was born in eighteen thirty four, Victor's about four years older than I am. I was eleven when the claws came out the first time, they're bone under the metal. I used them to kill my biological father after he murdered the man I thought was my father. The bastard told me with his dying breath who I was. Victor was there, and we took off, he protected me, finished raising me, then we, well we just kept runnin'. From one battlefield to another. I was about sixteen when the healing started full force, and so was he. We've watched each other's backs, carried each other out of the trenches when we were hurt so bad our healing couldn't keep up, we've got a very long history. Yeah there've been times I wanted ta kill him, there have been times he's wanted ta kill me, but we're brothers." He stroked her hair as she lay there listening to him. This was the most she'd heard him say at one time in the entire time she'd known him.

"Anyway, Victor was there, for the wedding, and after we went after all the bastards that killed my wife, and I killed the last bastard, cutting his heart out with my claws, we came back to the states and reactivated our commissions in the US Army and volunteered to go to Nam. That was where I tried ta kill myself the first time. A guy introduced me to absinthe, and I was drunk for the first time in my life. We were out in a rice field and a Vietcong sniper hit me, just in the leg but it didn't heal, so I stood up and dared him ta kill me. He tried, frankly the idiot was a bad shot...didn't hit anything vital. Victor patched me up, and a day and a half later, the healing kicked in again. It was close...and Victor gave me hell over it, over being a selfish bastard that just wanted to abandon him to be alone for the rest of his excruciatingly long life." She felt him tremble under her cheek and hand resting on his stomach.

"After that, he wouldn't let me near that stuff again, but he, well he'd been getting more brutal, aggressive, over time, and it just kept getting worse. Finally he snapped, was gonna rape a girl he'd found after we'd cleared a village, when the Colonel stopped him. He ripped his head off. So we had to stand up in front of a firing squad...which didn't work...so we were stuck in a hole for about a month until they could figure out what to do to kill us. That's when Stryker showed up. We didn't have a whole lot of choice about joining him. We were on a mission in Lagos when I snapped, I couldn't take it anymore, and that time I did, abandon Victor, it took him a long damned time to forgive me for it, if he has yet, I still ain't sure. Anyway I took off, went back home, Canada. It was there I tried a second time. I remembered what Victor said in Nam, about living forever and being alone...and I didn't want to."

She felt the tears on her face, her heart aching to hear these things that maybe it was best he had forgotten. He put a finger under her chin and tilted her head up to look at him. There were tears in his eyes too, but he wiped hers away with his thumb.

"I was in a bar, in a town near Laughlin City actually, when I found a guy who had the green shit. I bought every bit he had, and proceeded ta get totally drunk. Then I picked fights with every damned bastard in that place, and just let them beat the shit out of me. Finally this girl stepped in and flat cold cocked me. The next thing I remember is wakin up in this cabin, near a mountain peak. She was cooking and I remember being sick just from the smell...hangovers are a bitch. She introduced herself as Kayla Fox and said that she wasn't about ta let me kill myself in that bar. I stayed, I wasn't in love with her, but I loved her...if that makes sense. I was there six years, workin loggin, she was a Kindergarten teacher. I would watch her with those kids, see fathers picking up their kids and think of Mariko, of our little one. She knew I was sad, but I couldn't tell her why. Six years later, Victor killed her, or rather pretended to kill her so I'd chase him, agree to get the metal, and try to kill him. It was all a plan by Stryker, he'd created this thing, from a bunch of different mutants, called it Weapon eleven...we had once called him Wade, he was a part of our team...anyway, I found them both at Three Mile Island, and Kayla was alive, told me she'd been working for Stryker the whole time because he'd kidnapped her sister...anyway I walked out, Victor attacked Kayla and I had ta go back...I beat the shit out of Victor, and he dared me ta kill him, but Kayla stopped me, begged me ta help rescue her sister. I did, but she was shot, and then I had ta fight Wade...and Victor stepped in and helped. Somethin about "no one kills you but me, brother." or some bullshit, anyway we managed to kill it...I found Kayla as I was heading out, completely forgot about Stryker, which was a mistake. I was carrying her to safety when Stryker shot me with a special gun he'd had made...just ta kill me. It had adamantium bullets. The gun was strong enough for the bullets to penetrate my skull...but not exit."

She looked up at him and ran her fingers over his forehead. He took her hand and placed a kiss in the palm.

"I carried those damned bullets up there for sixteen years." He said softly. "Victor had the bright idea of having Hank and Kitty get them out. He had Hank guide her to where he thought they might be inside my head with her hand phased. Then she'd go solid grab it and pull it out...and I'm so damned glad I was unconscious for the second one. The first one hurt like fucking hell...That little bitch was pissed at me or something."

"Kitty's not a bitch..."

"She was flirting with your boyfriend..." He started.

"He wasn't my boyfriend, not really. I mean he was, I wasn't in love with him but I loved him I guess." She grinned at him.

"I guess I'm not the only one who's got some 'splaninin ta do, Lucy." He grinned as he said it in a bad Cuban accent.

"Well, after Ah got back after the cure, Ah called mah parents in Mississippi. They didn't want ta talk ta me, but Ah got a packages in the mail about three days before Ah left. It was mah adoption papers, and a letter sayin' they couldn't think of me as a daughter anymore. Ah wanted ta find mah birth mother, but Ah had ta get out of there. Ro was smotherin' me and most everyone Ah knew except you and Bobby and Kitty were gone. Kitty came ta me and apologized the day before Ah left, told me what happened, why she and Bobby were skatin' on tha fountain. Ah admit Ah broke down, told her everythin' about bein in love with you, about mah parents. She was gonna help me track things down, but Ah ended up not havin to. When Ah got here Ah was unpackin and Raven came in. Ah'd left the package of papers on tha desk and, her bein her, she grabbed them...she had an identical set in her bags...with her termination of parental rights paperwork. We were both a little stunned, but...she ain't as bad as ya think, still scares the hell outa me when she's 'normal', ya know Mystique, but Ahm even gettin' used ta that."

His arm tightened around her, and she knew it was comfort.

"It was the rest of the family that really...made me feel laik Ah had one for the first time. Remy's well a pain in tha ass, but for a step brother he ain't that bad. Myst took him in when he was a baby, and raised him. He's the only kid she actually got ta raise. Kurt's been great...he's mah half brother and was just as thrilled ta find out as Ah was. Victor's been...weird, but great. Once ya get past tha big bully shit, he's not that bad. Ah ain't met Graydon, but Ah don't really want to. They've all been there, tryin' ta get me through things."

"I guess we both had to deal with the past." He said softly.

"Yeah...Ah needed this time, but Ah needed you too." She whispered.

"I'm sorry baby. I ain't gonna make promises I can't keep, but I'm gonna do my damnedest not ta do that to ya again." He whispered.

"You better not be talkin about..." He silenced her with his mouth.

"Darlin," He eased her hand down past his belt buckle, to the throbbing flesh under the fabric of his pants. "There's no way in hell I'd torture us both like that. I meant I'm gonna try not ta leave you alone like this. You get inta too much trouble." She looked up at him and grinned. He moved, urging her onto her back as he settled on top of her. "Now I think we're both through talkin...and I hope to hell you've got enough control for this...cuz I'm a hungry Wolverine and I got a taste of what I want for the rest of my life...and you are it, Darlin."


End file.
